Conbersations (she has a cold, you know) wib Eclair

ONE:

a teaser before the commercial break while watching the evening news: Queen Elizabeth - just how long has she been on the throne?

Eclair: Looks like about a million years.

TWO:

Do I have to take that coughing medicine?

Yes.

But it tastes like old socks. My tastebuds said so.

THREE:

Eclair is going to camp. Today she gave me a list of demands:

MOM:

Here is a list of things for you to do:

1. Water the plants at 3:10. After that, feed my fish 3 Pellets. (His food)

2. Go to my facebook & help me on BINGO its easy. If its too hard do farmville.

3. Try to clean my fish's bowl.

4. Check the mail for letters. If yes, put them on my dresser.

It's going to be a boring week without her.

How will I survive?

Captivity

Scene: early morning in the family room at the Roper house

Eclair (stumbles in still wearing pajamas, rubbing sleep from her eyes): I had another bad dream, Mom.

Mom: Wanna tell me about it? What was it about?

E: I was in captivity. In a donut store.

M: Really?

E: Yeah. My kidnappers were really mean.

M: What did they do that was so mean?

E: They made me do fast-math, every single day.

M: Fast-math? Is that so terrible?

E: Yeah. It's really hard and I don't like it. It's boring.

M: Captivity in a donut store, having to do math. Sounds awful. 

E: It was. You wanna know the worst part?

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME EAT A DONUT.

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Conversations with Eclair...and Screamapillar

Eclair comes into the kitchen, one hand cupped over the other, shaking something. Screamapillar and I are preparing the monthly Lasagne Feast.

Eclaire: Guess the number of  dice, Katie!

Screamapillar: Two hundred and six

E: Nope.

S: Two hundred and four

E: that's way too high!

S: Two hundred

E: NO!! It's between one and six.

S: Nine.

E: Still too high, Katie. Guess lower.

S: Negative Three

E: Almost! Just not the negative.

S: Seven

E: NO!! Okay, I'll make it easier. It's between two and four

S: Four

E: NO!! BETWEEN two and four

S: Two

Mom: I'm sorry Claire, she's just not very smart.

E: Katie, guess right!

S: Three and a half.

E: *Exasperated sigh* Okay, I guess that's close enough.
(leaves the room in a huff)

S: THAT WAS FUN!!!! Let's do it again.

E: NO WAY!! I thought you were going to take FOREVER!!!!


Makes you want to run right over here and play games with us, don't it?
.

So be good for goodness sake.

Another conversation with Ecliar:

E: Mom, you said Santa always watching to see if you're being good or bad?

M: Yep. You're trying to be good, right? So you should be okay. You shouldn't worry about it so much.

E: Well, what I'm really worried about is that everyone says he can see you ALL the time...

(Did I mention that she is standing outside the bathroom, wet and wearing a towel?)

Interjection from Luke Skywalker: He's not a peeping tom, you know.


So everybody be EXTRA GOOD and watch this wonderful video. It stars our FAVORITE musicians, The Piano Guys, and Alex is in there too.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!

Slippery Fingers

Last Sunday we had mama's lasagne for Mother's Day dinner. I made four pans, because there never seems to be enough. One pan went directly into the freezer. Three pans went to Grandma's house for dinner. One of the three went into Grandma's freezer as part of her Mother's Day gift from me. Two pans went into the oven.

One of those two pans was eaten for dinner, and one glorious pan was left over to take home to eat later.

All the way home from grandma's, Eclair was salivating. Never mind that she had five helpings of lasagne at Grandma's house for dinner (out-eating even the boys).

"Anyone have a fork?" No, Eclair, you must wait until we get home, please. She couldn't stop talking about being starving for the entire 30 minute drive home.

When we arrived at home, she jumped right out of the car and ran to help empty things from the trunk. Usually she is the slow one, hoping the trunk is empty by the time she gets out of the car. She grabbed the large heavy pan from the trunk and started crowing her success.

Then came the CRASH.

Barefoot Ecliar is standing in the driveway, now surrounded by the slivers and shards of my favorite Pyrex dish. I scoop her up, hoping no slivers have found their way into her legs, before she has even had a chance to react to the disaster.

Then the screaming begins.

Is she upset because she is barefoot standing in broken glass?

Is she upset because she's been cut by broken glass?

Is she upset because she thinks she will be in trouble for breaking mama's favorite Pyrex dish?

The first words to make their way past the screaming and crying are:

"THAT'S A WASTE OF LASAGNE!!!!!!!"

Well, at least she has her priorities straight.
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Eclair, you make my day.

Very often of late I have been heard to yell "WHAT ARE YOU....." quickly followed by "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!!" when coming into contact with my youngest child.

Eclair does things that other children her age do not. Most of the time, when a child reaches the age of ten, they have learned a little impulse control. The totally-over-the-top-insane and destructive ideas that crop up in their little minds are tempered by the little bit of common sense they have gained in a decade of experience. Or at least fear that they will surely be smitten by Mom if they act on those impulses.

Not so with Eclair. Mostly, she thinks about the consequences after she has already executed the idea that popped into her head.

Let's just review three examples from the last 24 hours.

Yesterday afternoon, she colored every molecule of the surface of the stepping stone path leading up to the house with sidewalk chalk. Anyone but Eclair would know that this will result in pink and green and yellow and white footprints on my dark brown entry carpet. Anyone but Eclair.

At school, she discovered a very small hole in the knee of her pants. Probably less than a millimeter in size. By the end of school, her left pant leg was in tatters from the knee down as a result of six hours of fiddling around with the tiny little hole. Unfortunately, this happens at least twice a month. Thank heaven summer is coming, we are running out of pants.

And then, there are the shoes. We have always had shoe issues with this child. She leaves them outside, inside, under the couch, in a kitchen cabinet, under the sink, under my desk, in the playroom, in the car, inside the front door, outside the front door, and sometimes even in her room where they actually belong. Yesterday morning when it was time to put the shoes on to leave for school, the shoes could not be found. We looked EVERYWHERE. Inside, outside, over, under, behind and through. We found only one tennis shoe.

Her choices when we cannot find the tennis shoes are to wear snow boots (there is no snow), her dress boots (which she is not allowed to wear without extremely close supervision lest she destroy them), or her Sunday shoes (with heels she complains about constantly). In desperation, I dug through the closet she shares with Thing One, which is filled with Thing One's Imelda Marcos Shoe Collection. I finally found a pair of old tennis shoes that were just big enough to still fit.

Later that day, she said "Mom, I found my missing shoe."

"Seriously? Where in the world was it?"

"At school."



o.O


At school.


That means she left her classroom, rode the bus home, walked home from the bus stop

WEARING ONLY ONE SHOE.


"WHAT WERE YOU.....I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW."

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mold.

I found a spot of mold this morning. On Eclair's toast. It was a tiny little spot, on the crust at the top corner. As we were short on time, I just tore that entire side off that piece of toast, closely inspected both slices to be sure there was none I had missed, and buttered it for my lovely daughter.

E: Are you sure that it's okay?

M: Yep. You won't be eating any mold. It wouldn't kill you, anyway. Actually, some medicines have originated from mold.

E: OH YEAH!! I read about that. There's a guy who regrows body parts with mold.

****loud gagging noise from across the room where daddy is choking on his toast, Thing One is standing by his side with her hand over her mouth, eyes incredulous.****

M: Really......where did you hear about that?

E: From school. My Read 180 tells about it. There's this guy, and he's a doctor. And he makes new body parts for people who don't have any.

Holy crap, she's right: 

(But I didn't hear anything about using mold to do this.)

Amazing, truly amazing.

So, should I save the piece of moldy toast?

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A bright spot in the darkness

Please excuse my recent absence from blogging, it seems that many of life's crisises have gotten in the way recently. Too much time away from home and my computer, mostly.

One of our recent "events" involves my wonderful Hubby. Have you ever had that one friend? The one who you have an instant rapport with, the one who shares your passions and who you love to share your work with? Hubby has such a friend, and they are like two peas in a pod. They have more in common than even they know, and his wife and I have sniggered behind their backs for years because they don't even realize how alike they are. They even share the same first name, and we share a wedding anniversary as well.

They consult with each other a lot in their writing, and Jamie's Matt is preparing to publish two books in the near future, to make his ninth and tenth publications. They're constantly bouncing ideas off each other, and when the four of us are together, Jamie & I manage to find plenty of our own to talk about. She's also a talented stylist, and any good hair day I have is her fault. Our boys have a deep and abiding love for church history, and seriously know their stuff. The energy they generate when they are brainstorming is palpable. You may have seen some of Jamie's Matt's books:

Well, Jamie's Matt has taken a sabbatical of sorts.....if you could call it that. The experiences my Hubby and I have had with the two of them in the past week have been humbling. To watch her keep vigil at his bedside with such strength and courage is inspiring. It has been my privilege to hold her hand and hug her tight as Midgely anointed his head with oil, and my husband gave hers a priesthood blessing. I only hope that I have been a support to her during this difficult time, and I ask for your support as well: pray for Jamie and her Matt, please.

But in the darkness of these tense hours and days as we wait for Jamie's Matt to awaken, there are some bright spots. We find much to laugh about and have really enjoyed the time we have had together. Hubby keeps telling me "Tell her that story about...." and I have to remind him that we have our own independent friendship, apart from our Matts. She is my hairdresser, after all, and women tell their hairdresser EVERYTHING. 

I'll share with you now a story I shared with her yesterday: At five am I took Eclair with me to drive my parents to the airport for a vacation. We spent the night at my folk's house to save some time in the morning since we had to be up so early. It was still pitch black outside when we packed up their bags and drove to Salt Lake to the airport. We took a "shortcut" across the mountains because of all the road construction on the freeway, and the inevitable delays that would cause. As we came over the peak from Highland into Draper, laid out before us was the landscape of the Salt Lake Valley, all lit up in the darkness. A small voice chirped from the back seat:

"Ooohh. It looks just like Las Vegas!"

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Treachery in the tub.

Once upon a time this morning, I stepped into the shower.

And discovered that someone had laid a trap for me.

My feet slipped out from under me, and I narrowly regained my balance before taking a nasty spill. What the heck? Here are my clues: the faint aroma of green apple, a light green color covering the entire bottom of the bathtub, the empty (new last week) bottle of conditioner, and my recollection that Eclair had an unsupervised shower last evening.

She came to me dripping wet, wrapped in a towel, to explain to me why this unsolicited shower was necessary.

"At school today, Jennifer sneezed. On my desk. I could even see the germs, Mom! They were all over my desk. So I though I had better make sure I was clean so I don't get sick. Do you think I'm clean now?"

Who can argue with that?

I tucked a small bottle of hand sanitizer into her backpack just in case.
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Conversations with Eclair

She came to me, howling, tears streaming down her face. Looking like the world was coming to an end RIGHT NOW.

M: What's the matter, honey?

E: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! MY FACE HURTS AND MY SKIN IS COMING OFF!!!!!

M: Here, let me look at it.
You're okay, it's just your sunburn. It's peeling.

E: WHY!!!!! WHY IS MY FACE COMING OFF!!!!

(It was only a matter of time, I suppose.)
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The birds and the bees, or dogs and flies, whichever.

Our little one, Eclair, is a little behind schedule with most things. We can easily blame that on PDDNOS.

Luke Skywalker has no excuse.

We were out working in the yard, and our lovely large dog was running about enjoying that the whole family had all come to visit her.  I could almost hear the gears turning in Eclair's head, so I was unsurprised when she asked me a question.

E: Mommy? I can't remember, but why can't Misty have any puppies? I would really like a puppy.

M: Well, there are a lot of homeless puppies. So we had her fixed.

E: What does that mean, fixed?

M: It means she had an operation, so she doesn't have any eggs.

E: Is that why Misty can't lay eggs?



I promplty died laughing.



Later that same day, Screamapillar nearly killed me again with this:

Luke Skywalker was in a rage against the flies of summer. They were bothering him bunches. He probably meant to say something like this: "Why do there have to be FLIES!"

but what he actually said was "How are there so many FLIES!"

to which the Screamapillar replied, "Well, when a Mommy fly and a Daddy fly really love each other..."
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Conversation with Eclair

She missed the bus this morning. Some days, I'd rather drive them than rush them out the door unprepared. Luke Skywalker missed the bus for the same reason today, but that's a blog post for another day.

As we were driving the Eclair to school, we caught up with the bus. It was right in front of us. And the following is a transcript of the resulting conversation:

Eclair: "Hey! That's my bus! Number 15!"

Mom: "Yes, I noticed."

E: "My bus driver is a really good driver. She's not an idiot (can you tell what word mommy uses most on the road?)."

M: (trying to anticipate the buses' route) "Will she go through the round-about, or does she turn left before it to get to your school?"

E: "She says it's against the law for the bus to go through the round-about. So we can't do that anymore. She's gonna turn left."

***bus turns on left turn signal, starts to make left hand turn - mommy tries to pass the bus on the right hand side only to have the bus swerve back, cancelling the left turn signal and cutting us off***

E: "Oh! Sorry, Mom! She's usually a really good driver! She must be really tired this morning."
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orphans

I took Eclair to a yard sale. There she spied a very very cute teacup sized doggie. I overheard the following conversation while browsing picture frames.

Eclair: Is that dog an orphan?

Yard Sale Lady: No, it's our dog. She lives with us.

E: Oh. Because if she was an orphan I could take her home and she could live at my house. Are you sure she's not an orphan?

YSL: No, her name is Sophie. You can play with her, though. But don't take her home. We would miss her.

I watched Eclair after that, she really seemed convinced that the dog wasn't getting enough love and should go home with us instead. And where did she learn about orphans, anyway?

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A vocabulary lesson.

Eclair is a little person in a house full of almost grown-ups. And she wants SO badly to be a big person. She doesn't want to go to bed if everyone else is up - thinks it is SO unfair that she has to go to bed at 8:30 when the 21 year old sister she shares a room with doesn't even start thinking about bed before eleven p.m. She "borrows" that same sister's clothing from time to time, even though things don't quite fit...

So, she looks for ways to be bigger, and it mostly shows up in her vocabulary. She wants to use the big words, mostly with hilarious results like these:

"I know I should-haven't, but I just couldn't help it!"

"Where is that book I like? The one about the callerpitter?"

"Victor says I'm stupid, but that's just preposterous." (that one just made me laugh because she used it RIGHT!)

"I can't belive Muffin was eating that! It was as-gusting."

"Well, it was giving me problems, but I just dealed with it."

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Reading Glasses

Last Sunday, after church was over, I was stopped in the 

hallway by Eclair's Primary teacher. (Don't you just dread being pulled aside by your kid's teacher?  It's rarely a good thing.)

"Your daughter is so cute and funny! I asked if she could read a scripture and she made me wait until she put on her glasses so she could read. Then she pulled these fantastic glasses out of her bag! She's SO funny!"

Yes.

Eclair needs glasses to read.

Not like me and my dollar store magnifying reading glasses.

Eclair's glasses have.......well, CLASS.

See for yourself: 

When she was reading (Harry Potter, of course) in the car at dusk one evening, 

wearing her "reading glasses," I asked if maybe I could pop out the rose colored lenses so she could see better? 

"No, Mom, they are fine. They really help me to concentrate."

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The Bedtime Monster

(Eclair and I are eating in the kitchen.)

Eclair: "Is the bedtime monster real?"

Me (confused): "What?"

E: "Mom told me that if I dont go to bed on time, the bedtime monster would eat me."

Me: "Well if mom told you that, it must be true."

E: "Huh?"

Me: "Would mom lie to you?"

Eclair (without hesitation): "Yes."

(she goes to talk to mom, to double check with her)

E: "So all these years I've been afraid of the bedtime monster for nothing?!"

Eclair asleep in the nest she built on the floor next to Thing One's bed. 

A Conversation with Eclair

The following conversation occured this morning. After Eclair missed the bus and we were hurrying to finish getting ready and rush out the door.

"Mom, I want to take my Pillow Pet to school for show and tell..."

(For those of you who don't know what a Pillow Pet is, I envy you. They have invaded and taken over my home.)

"...but I have to pay thirty dollars."

Thirty dollars?

for show and tell?

??

I am outraged. Why would my child need to PAY to participate in show and tell? Show and tell should be free!!! It's the right of every American child to drag their ephemera to school and make people admire it! It's a grade school tradition, for heaven's sake! I can understand a teacher's setting aside only a certain day each week for the event, or restricting them to certain types of items, or participating once a month or something, but PAY? for show and tell?

And special ed kids are the worst (Eclair especially). They smuggle contraband show and tell items to school in the backpack every day. EVERYTHING they own is fascinating and needs to be shared with other like minded individuals. I once unzipped her very heavy backpack to find the stupid complacent cat in there. So, yes, restrictions. But MONEY? Explanation, please, Eclair.

"You can bring show and tell any day, but you have to pay thirty dollars, or give four auction trades instead. Mr. C said he would pay me a hundred dollars if I do my homework EVERY DAY. Do you have a pencil?"

So, not real dollars. Classroom auction dollars. Commerce. Is it a good thing? If it makes her do her homework, yes. If it means she's raiding my wallet, no.
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Conversations with Eclair

E: Mama, there's a spider in the bathroom and I'm scared (says the girl who 6 months ago thought spiders were her best friends)
M: It's okay, you're brave, you can smash him. When we lived in the old house, there were lots of spiders, and your brothers & sisters just learned to get a shoe and smash them.
E: (weeping copiously and throwing her arms about my neck) BUT I'M SCARED!!!
M: How about we get a shoe, and I will go with you. You're brave. You can do it!

(We get a shoe, and go to the bathroom.)

E: It's right there, mama, on the other side of the toilet
(Mama looks and doesn't see spider. THEN Mama sees spider. It's the size of a cocker spaniel. Actually, about the size of a Sacajawea dollar.)

M: Oh. There. It. Is. It's okay, honey. Mama will get this one........
(Mama smashes spider. A lot. Many times. Then flushes spider.)

E: Thanks Mama. I thought it was gonna give me a heart attack. Am I old enough to have a heart attack?
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An explanation for at least ONE of those pictures in my header.

Last fall Eclair was baptized. Big deal for a little LDS gril. For the occasion, Mommy did a little photo shoot with my little angel. Late afternoon, perfect golden sunlight. Here's how it went:




(Threw that last one in because she was looking a little too uncharacteristically perfect.)


After this wonderful session, we went home. And Eclair said she was STARVING.

Before I could get dinner finished, I turned around from the stove to find this:


That is one of the bread bowls that I bought to put the corn chowder in. She cut it in half and added mayo and almost a pound of ham. She ate the whole thing, much to the amazement of all who witnessed it.

"I told you I was starving!"
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A Conversation with Eclair.

Wow. What a day. Had the ENTIRE family over & made my world famous lasagne last Sunday for Father's Day. Lotsa kids. This is most of them, the ones who are related to me anyway. Thing Two is missing for some reason, probably hiding from me. You know how much he loves having his picture taken.

There were a few missing though. My brother and his family live back east, and although they come out every summer, they weren't here yet. Eclair has a favorite cousin in that family, and was asking about her on Sunday:

E: Mom, how come Splinter didn't come?

M: Splinter? Who is Splinter?

E: My favorite cousin. Remember? I call her Splinty?

M:?????? Who are you talking about?

E: Splinty! You know, my favorite cousin?

M: Is Splinter a boy or a girl?

E: A girl, Mom. She likes to play dress-up with me. And she has a brother, I think.

M: ????(asking Screamapillar) Do you know who she is talking about?

S: I have no idea.

E: You know mom, she lives far away? And she plays with me when they come here for vacation.

M: ***SUDDEN FLASH OF INSIGHT**** Do you mean SPENCER?

E: Oh, yeah! Spencer! and I call her Spency!!! When is she coming?

M: (FacePalm) In a few weeks. Can you wait that long?

E: If I have to, I guess.