Did you miss me?

Well, I hope you did. I realize it has been a week since I have posted, and I have failed. I set a goal to post twice a week at minimum, and unless I post again today, it ain't gonna happen.

And here's why.

I have nothing to say.

Life has been kicking me in the shins, and while the daily list is LONG, I don't seem to be accomplishing much. I'm really ready for February to be over, to get over these winter doldrums and move on to the next thing, which would hopefully be spring.

So, since I have failed you, faithful blog reader, I'm going to give you something to read that will make you smile or laugh, and hopefully brighten your day (which is truly the point of this whole blogging thing anyway). Click one of the links below to find a post by someone who makes me laugh, I hope you enjoy.



My neighbor Steve is hilarious. His blog, It Only Hurts in My Brain, It is a constant source of amusement for me, I wish he posted more often.

I read Lovely Listing often because you really never know what to expect. Makes me feel better about my own house.

I love "Hyperbole and a Half"  even though it has too many unnecessary swears. I trudge through it to get to the hystecial parts. This expletive-free post is wonderful because I, too, find is necessary to mentally correct other's misspellings (because I am perfect and gramatical never or spellling errrors make).

TAMNers has retired, but if you're a Mormon Mommy Blogger like me, you will appreciate her past posts at Seriously, So Blessed. Hilarious, and unfortunately I know people like this....

Last stop for today is Dave Barry's blog - so full of completely random and bizarre funny things. Check it today's post "Man accused of drunkenly urinating on chicken at Arkansas grocery store."


I am hoping to dig myself out of my hole this weekend and have something to share by Monday. Really. Truly.

Because hopefully SOMEbody missed me?
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I shouldn't have said that...

Do you ever say stupid stuff? Unfortunately I do all the time. Makes me wish for a time machine so I could go back in time and stuff a sock in my own mouth.

Once Upon A Time....

...there was Thing One. She was four years old during this particular Once Upon A Time, and Mom (me) was preparing a turkey for dinner.

"What is that thing you are making?" says my sweet innocent girl.

"It's a turkey. We're going to put it in the oven to cook it, and then we'll eat it. It's like the kind of meat I get for sandwiches from the deli."

She looks askance at me, as though I were insane or something.

"It's a turkey."

(I prop the bird up in the pan so it's sitting on it's tail.)

"These were his wings,"

(extend and flap stubby puckered wings)

"these were his legs,"

(cause turkey to dance on said legs)

"and here's where they cut his head off."

(lift up giant flap of skin and show the hole where his

spinal column abruptly ends.)

Picture: bulging eyes, hands over her mouth,

a look of terror as she takes this in.

Needless to say, she declined her portion

when it came time to eat the bird.

The child became a vegetarian for the next two years.

Anytime she was presented with meat she would ask:

"What was it before you killed it?"

So in case you were wondering, yes, I am an idiot.



Reading Glasses

Last Sunday, after church was over, I was stopped in the 

hallway by Eclair's Primary teacher. (Don't you just dread being pulled aside by your kid's teacher?  It's rarely a good thing.)

"Your daughter is so cute and funny! I asked if she could read a scripture and she made me wait until she put on her glasses so she could read. Then she pulled these fantastic glasses out of her bag! She's SO funny!"

Yes.

Eclair needs glasses to read.

Not like me and my dollar store magnifying reading glasses.

Eclair's glasses have.......well, CLASS.

See for yourself: 

When she was reading (Harry Potter, of course) in the car at dusk one evening, 

wearing her "reading glasses," I asked if maybe I could pop out the rose colored lenses so she could see better? 

"No, Mom, they are fine. They really help me to concentrate."

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How do I love thee

I love these bums. For some strange reason.

Even though they are completely insane.

This is the whole gang, enjoying pizza last year at a demolition derby. Nothing brings a family together like wanton wholesale destruction.

Here's my little Eclaire. She is scrumptious and adorable. And always good for a laugh.

Hubby and Luke Sywalker -- these two are peas in a pod. Both sweet and sincere, and each would give you the shirt off his back should the need arise. I don't think they realize how alike they are and how much I love them both.

The Screamapillar. With her infectious grin. She thinks everything is awesome. Everything. And she makes you think it is awesome too.

Thing Two. He's making my life pretty miserable right now, with all the "I'm a grown up and you are an idiot" stuff going on (hence the lack of joy and funny blog posts lately). But I love him. Even if the thinks I don't. Please? Hurry up and get past this miserable stage so I can have my sweet boy back? 'Cause you're really a lot of fun when you are not being a total turd. Thank you.

Thing One. It all began with her. She is sweetness and light. When she is not sourness and darkness (it all hinges on how much sleep she has gotten lately - mostly sweetness and light). You grew up WAY too fast. Seriously.

Yep. Forever family. Whether they like it or not.

Mostly they like it. Life is sweet.

Happy Valentines Day. Go hug the ones you love.

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Faux vintage glass

 I'm getting stir crazy and anxious for spring! One day as I was wandering the internet in search of  lovliness, I came across this at Craftberry Bush:

See those pretty jars there? Underneath those lovely flowers? I have a couple like those, very expensive Mason jars in antique blue. I live in fear that one of my children will decide to play broom hockey with one and destroy it (because they're destructive like that sometimes...).



Take a closer look at the photo: those are NOT ALL MASON JARS. I investigated. Sure enough, that talented girl Lucy at Craftberry Bush has been making faux vintage glass. But she has no tutorial. So I searched hither and yon and discovered how it's done at Bridal Buzz. And that tutorial is fantastic, made me all brave like I got skillz or something.

You need glass jars, a fan brush, and Vitrea 160 paint and thinner (which I hunted high and low for, went to 5 different places and only found at Michaels). I used turquoise, but have seen similar amazing results on YouTube using other colors. Apparenlty I am the last person to discover this, because while Michaels had 72 jars of every other color, I got the last turquoise.
Look what I made:

 They are far from perfect, and have way too many brush marks, but hey! I made a pretty! I used pickle jars, and mason jars, and applesauce jars, and a couple vases.....you get the picture.

So click HERE for the wonderful tutorial, and if you need to borrow my paint, let me know (I estimate that the one jar of paint would make up 47 gajillion glass jars).

Oh! I forgot to tell you where I got the lovely roses in by big blue vase!

My little friend is getting married and we did a bridal photo session. I offered to bring a "dummy" bouquet, and put it in that vase just for you. Congratulations ReBarka! ( I so love messing with people's names! She reads this blog and will be suitably horrified by my misuse of her name.)
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Happy Hibernating Rodent Day.

It's a cruel holiday, actually. Take some innocent groundhog, invade his warm sleeping quarters and forcibly awaken him from his peaceful slumber. Thrust him out into the freezing cold, expose him to the harsh light of the winter sun, and let gawking morons exploit him on national television.

He ain't running from his shadow, folks.

Now I'm sure you've heard about Punxsutawny Phil. He's pretty famous. What you probably haven't heard about is the other groundhogs who make their living with five minutes of fame per year:

Wiarton Willie
Dunkirk Dave
Buckeye Chuck
Balzac Billy
Malverne Melissa
Shubenacadie Sam
and Octoraro Orphie

So apparently, in order to expose the poor rodent to more humiliation, you must give him a really awkward name (preferably one that no one can even pronounce).

The whole idea is pretty absurd. here's why (direct quote from Wikipedia):

"WKBW-TV meteorologist Mike Randall put it a different way: since there are always six more weeks of winter after Groundhog Day, and the concept of early spring in the astronomical sense simply does not exist, then whenever the groundhog sees its shadow and predicts six more weeks of winter, the groundhog is always right, but whenever it predicts an early spring, it is always wrong. The results have an approximate 80% rate of accuracy, the average percentage of times a groundhog sees its shadow."


So tomorrow, when Phil is makin' his prediction, remember this: there will be 6 more weeks of winter no matter what. Your pathetic little hope for an early spring? Futile and pointless. So scrub that plan you had, I know all about it. Lying in wait with a lasso to keep him from running away won't manipulate the weather in any way.

And if Phil says winter is over, he's a lying weasel.
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