My advice column.

Not many people know this, but I am excellent at giving advice. Just because it is unsolicited, doesn't mean it isn't good advice. Really!

Today I'd like to share with you some advice about cleaning out the refrigerator. I have much to offer on this particular subject, because my fridge is  a giant mess and in desperate need of cleaning all the time. Thus, I am an expert on refrigerators that need to be cleaned, right? Here goes.

Dear Ms. Know-it-all,

I recently found some yellow fruit in my fridge. I have no recollection of buying yellow fruit, but I have bought limes in the last 6 months. What do you suggest I do with them? Throw them away? 

----- Perplexed in Provo

Dear Perplexed,
Heavens no, child! Your limes have achieved a higher state! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! By no means, though, would I recommend actually drinking the lemonade.

Dear Crazy Woman who offers advice,

My mother recently gave me a sealed container of chicken soup base. I noticed today that the expiration date on the package is March 2009, well over a year ago. Is she losing it, or is this perhaps an attempt on my life?

----- Murdered by my mother?

Dear Murdered,
Of course it is an attempt on your life! And the lives of you husband and children also! She was suggesting that you cook, and even without expired soup base your family's lives are in danger! Go get some take-out pizza instead, and live another day.

Dear Whoever you are,

I am sick to death of cleaning up spilled chocolate syrup in the fridge. The kids never close the lid all the way, and they shove things in the fridge all willy-nilly, and it's always getting knocked over and wasted. Any suggestions?

----- Cocoa Cleaner-upper

Dear Cocoa,
MAKE THE EVIL CHILDREN LICK IT UP. Wasting chocolate is a cardinal sin.This will probably never happen again.

Dear What's 'er name,

I have trouble with uneaten leftovers going to waste in my fridge. How do you label your leftovers so people can readily identify them and use them up?

----- Wanda Waster

Dear Wanda,
I use a very simple color-coding method. Blue mold is vegetables.  White mold is cheese. Black mold is bread.  Green mold is fruit and/or meat. Really, its just a matter of making sure your husband and children understand the color code.

Dear I don't really care who you are please answer my question,

What. The heck. Is this?

--- Really, really scared.

Dear Scared,
RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! It's either Jimmy Hoffa's head, or a Tomahawk missile. Either way, hang this handy sign on the fridge and NEVER OPEN IT AGAIN.