Christmas means carnage.

My tree looks so lovely. It has managed to stay decorated this year, unlike last year's "naked tree" experience.

Last year Asparagus the Incredibly Dimwitted Kitty came to live at our house. In bitty-kitty fashion, he tried (with total success) to maim and destroy my tree. He climbed it at every opportunity, knocking down fragile glass ornaments and shattering them. I placed the less breakable ornaments down low, thinking I would be reducing the risk of breakage. Instead, he would lie under the tree shredding these ornaments instead.

I resorted to the internet: Google search "how do I keep my idiot cat out of the Christmas tree." Thank you Internet: a fount of endless stupid ideas. But I have to try something, so here goes:

Option One, Squirt gun. Premise: cat's don't like water and will flee in terror.

This served only to distract Gus momentarily. He couldn't figure out where the water was coming from, discovered that he didn't really care where the water was coming from, and returned to his wholesale destruction of the tree. And unless I wanted to ceaselessly patrol my living room 24/7 until New Year's, I needed a better solution.

Option Two, Cayenne pepper. Premise: spread on the carpet, cat gets it on paws and has to lick it off while grooming, then never returns to the area.

Well it's a good thing that grandma's pug peed on my tree skirt last year and I threw it away so don't have one anymore. I wouldn't want to be putting pepper on the skirt, now, would I? Muffin was annoyed by the pepper, and angry also. But she wasn't the one bothering the tree. Gus never noticed the pepper. And he never groomed himself (this is a long story by itself: ickle kitty was abandoned WAY too young, and had to be taught some valuable survival skills. He has since learned that if he does not bathe himself, there is a hose and cold water in his future...) so this was a complete and dismal failure.

Option Three, Orange peel. Premise: cats don't like citrus, it should repel them.

So, we peeled some oranges and spread the peels under the tree.

Gus ate them.

So we had a naked tree.

This year, he seems to have grown and matured, and doesn't seem quite as interesed in the ornaments and tree.

Thank heaven.

This is a really good thing, because Gus has grown into an enormous tub of lard, and if he attempeted to climb the tree now, it would not be able to bear his immense weight, and I'm certain it would fall over. Maybe we should put him on a diet?

Of orange peels and Cayenne pepper?

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