Movie Night at Our House

Tonight, My dear friend (We shall call her Jack Sparrow) came over with her copy of "Ponyo," the latest Mayazaki film. For those of you who do not know, it's an anime-style movie very loosely based on "The Little Mermaid."



As some background, Mother does not understand Mayazaki films. She has always fails to grasp that they do not make sense to American viewers due to cultural differences. Today, Jack opted to have us watch it in Japanese with English subtitles, due to annoying American voice actors. Mother, for Eclair's sake, offered to read the subtitles, which slowly turned into her interpretation of what was happening.

Hilarity ensued. I share now the best excerpts from the night..

(misreading [with much conviction] subtitles that say "I'll fix that next")
"I'll fix that newt!"

(Ponyo's sisters are chewing on her bubble to release her)

"We are going to eat you! You are going to die! WE ARE LEECHES! *sucking noise*"


(Misc quotes)
"The crab barrier is loose!"
"Chicken leg! Chicken Leg! Chicken legs for hands!"

"We are losing cabin pressure! OH NO! The crab barrier is loose! She's escaping!"
"Help! There's a carp in the living room!"
"Oh look, it's a natural disaster, let's use the gas stove, BOOM!"
"Oh no, there's crabs going in the house! The crab barrier has FAILED."
"Large Marge fish!"
"PIRATES! RUN!"
"She's got diaper poisoning."

(this one is Dad's contribution)
"If you have any fruit, you must get rid of it before you cross the border."

She also likened Ponyo's army of sisters to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Mom is so fun to watch movies with. :)
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Thank heaven for unlimited text.

The cell phone bill came yesterday.

Middle daughter got a cell phone for her birthday on March first. The end of the bill cycle was March 8.

I had 66 text messages.

Daddy had 0.

Thing One had 2434.

Thing Two had 866.

Middle Daughter had 3929.

She only had the phone for seven days, she had 3929 text messages.

I'm wondering how it is possible to have that many text messages, eat, sleep, attend school, and all the other things she does all day?

She must be texting in her sleep.
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Haute Coture - Apron Style

Yesterday was gruelling. Had a hard day at work, but the evening's festivities gave me a second wind. Look at these lovely ladies! We all got together for our monthly women's auxillary meeting at the church for birthday cake and bread making. That's my amazing apron display for the fashion show behind them. Thanks to Leslie & Naomi for loaning me cool aprons because I'm sadly lacking in the apron department. They are all so much fun, and look how cute they are! That's Betsy. She rocks anything she wears, and that is an awesome apron. Vintage 70's. Next is Veronica, Amy & Katinia. They all have a Master's Degree in Momming. There is nothing these women cannot do.

This is Alicia. She makes awesome bread. She walked us all through the fastest (and EASIEST AND MOST FOOLPROOF) bread recipe I have ever made. She's wearing a stolen apron.
Not really. Just an old one Albertson's let her keep when she quit working there. She would be mortified if she thought I told you it was stolen. So I didn't. Right? She says she loves the pockets.

That's Jennifer, my wonderful neighbor. She's a real professional: she brought her own stoneware bread pans, the rest of us were using the cheap disposable pans that were part of the invitation to tonite's event. We're all lame but Jen. She's wearing the "Alaska" apron, because she is from Nebraska. (Actually, she is from Alaska, but Alaska and Nebraska rhyme, and they are both remote, so, whatever.)

Christie & her mom, Deanna, making tortellini. Or bread. But if anyone could make tortellini out of bread, it would be Christie. She's got bread dough in the pan, and a bun in the oven. She has amazing, perfect children. I often send my children to her house, hoping some perfection will rub off. Alas, her kids rarely come to my house, allegedly because they are allergic to my cats. We all know it's really because my house is an insane asylum.


Let's take another look at Cute Betsy: This time she's just playing around with bread dough to the general amusement of everyone there. People kept taking pictures of her antics, because she is so cute.

And here's the whole crowd again. But wait......look at Camille there on the far right:

Closer....closer.....

Wow! That's my apron! The one I made in the middle of the night, just for this occassion. Isn't it LOVELY! It was just made out of stuff I had....hanging around. Literally. The skirt used to be drapes.
I think the pom-poms really add to it's overall elegance. The Camouflage waistband and tie is to make your waist disappear. The blue fringe over the gold lame is reminiscent of a Rembrandt I once saw....I would have put bells on, but I couldn't find any.

Let's take one more look at our gullible lovely model, Camille.

A good time was had by all. And the bread was great. I would have posted a photo of it, but perhaps I should post a photo instead of the PEOPLE WHO ATE IT BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET IT OUT OF THE LOAF PANS!

You'd think I never fed them (which I don't).

A conversation with....Eclair

Preface: There is a jar of unknown clear fluid on the counter. Tied to a colored pencil is a piece of yarn with a paperclip on the end, this is in the jar. No one knows where the jar came from. Middle Daughter said last night, "Is someone trying to grow sugar crystals?" I said, "I don't know, just leave it alone."

Today, Eclair is playing with the jar.

Mom: "Is that yours?"

Eclair: "Yep. I'm growing something."

M: "What?"

E: "Crystals"

M: "What kind of water are you using?"

E: "Cold."

(At this point I have to leave the room I am laughing so hard)

E: "It used to be hot, but now it's cold, I need to get some more hot."

M: "Honey, that's not going to grow anything, it's not the right kind of water."

E: "What kind of water do I need?"

M: "Special water. We don't have any."

E: "Can we go get some special water?"

No, but we sure have a special Eclair. :)



As a side note:



Bonnie made more fudge.

Bonnie is my bestest friend ever.

I have to go eat more fudge now.

See ya later.
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I see stupid people....

I have a problem. Or so my husband tells me.

I talk to people who aren't there.

Well they are there, they just can't hear me. Or so my husband says.

I talk to them when they are double parked. When they are on a cell phone and cut me off in traffic. When they chat in separate cars parked paralell to one another with windows rolled down, blocking the entrance to the school parking lot. When they enter the school parking lot using the exit, or exit using the entrance. When they are bent over looking for something on the floor of the car when the light in front of them turned green a full minute ago, and has now turned yellow. When they double park, or park so close that I can't get back into my car unless I go in through the trunk (which I have done before, no kidding. Thank heaven I drive a mini-van). When they drive really slow with a blinker on and don't turn for two blocks. I try (often unsuccessufly) not to yell.

I think I'm an idiot magnet.

I have seen many insane things as I drive around our fair city, and have had occasion to call police dispatch: one occasion was when a bunch of stupid teenagers had something hanging between their car windows - they were in the far left and far right lanes, keeping anyone from passing either of them in the center lane. Who's bright idea was this stunt? Just because this insane idea pops into your head doesn't mean you need to act on it.

The most amazing thing I ever saw was one morning while driving hubby to BYU. A woman in her car. Rollers in her hair. Wearing what looked like a bathrobe. Brushing her teeth.

Brushing her teeth.

Another time, I was behind a guy on a residential street who was aparently moving to a new home. This was indicated by the boxes & stuff blocking all windows of the car but one: the one where his arm was extended, holding a ficus tree. No kidding. Guy driving down the road holding a ficus tree out the driver's side window. My guess? Maybe the tree wouldn't fit in the car. Honest truth, this one, I even took a picture. I'll post it if I can ever find it.

Most of the time it's not deliberate. Just thoughtless.

Here's what I think: when you're driving the car, drive the car. Don't put on makeup, text somebody, eat breakfast, play air guitar, or contemplate the mysteries of the universe.

Drive the car.

Give all your attention to the traffic around you, the road conditions, potential hazards ahead. Designate a co-pilot to answer the phone and wrangle the loud children in the back.

Then my husband can stop saying "You know they can't hear you, right?"

Top Ten Reasons Why My House is Such a Depressing Mess.

10. I am lazy.

9. I'd rather read a book, it's far more rewarding.

8. Because I am never there. I'm in the car driving someone somewhere and the rest of them are at home exclaiming "Mother is not here! Let us destroy the house for her as a surprise for when she returns!"

7. I have too much crap in my house (anyone who has been there can back me up on this one)

6. I've run out of room in the garage so I can't move the "too much crap" out there anymore (I am a pack rat, it is my parents' fault - I grew up a Navy brat and every time we moved they threw all my stuff away - I'm hoarding to make up for lost stuff).

5. My children are also lazy.

4. Because no matter how well I clean today, the mess will magically reappear tomorrow. I once shared this nugget of wisdom, I'll share it again: "The laundry can never possibly be done unless everyone who lives here is naked."

3. I'm online reading other peoples' interesting blogs too much.

2. I'd rather cook than clean, and I have the waistline to prove it.

1. Did I mention, I'm lazy?
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A Conversation.....

...in the car with Eclair:

E: Mom, you know those posters that say "wanted?" Those are bad guys, like who kidnap kids, right?

M: Yes, that's right.

E: Well I have an idea. You could catch them if you use a trap. You could have an invisible cage, with something they would come and get.

M: What would you use for bait, so you could catch them?

E: What is bait?

M: What you put in the trap so they will go in.

E: Oh, I'd use something heavy, or something light. Or Chocolate.

M: Well, you're going to catch me first, then. Since you're using chocolate.
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