Once upon a time there was an exceptionally stupid mother (me). She took the advice of a neighbor, who happened to write video games for a living, about purchasing a game for a teenage boy. She bought the recommended game for Thing Two's birthday, and a monster was born.
Ever heard of Halo?
No? There must not be any adolescent boys in your household. Or adult males who behave like adolescent boys....
Thing Two plays Halo nearly every waking hour. He does bathe and eat occassionally, but mostly he plays Halo. I don't really understand much about the game. Or why someone would play for 16 hours at a stretch. I think it has something to do with shooting at everything in your line of sight. And blowing stuff up.
I tell the boy to stop. "Please, there are better things you can do with your life!" and "This is really not preparing you for life in the real world, by the way." He listens not. He sits there having very animated conversations with people half a world away.
Yesterday I wrote down everything he said to the imaginary people he plays this game with. Using his actual words, let's apply what he's yelling into the headset to a real life situation:
Boss at work: "Have you cleaned Theatre One yet?"
Thing Two: "I think that's as destroyed as it gets. I'm gonna 'nade it, watch out."
Mother: "You need to get your laundry done and clean your room."
Thing Two: "I don't think having the warthog is an advantage anymore."
Bishop: "How are things going for you, son?"
Thing Two: "I think I'm retarded.
Bishop: "Is there anything I can do to help you with your goals?"
Thing Two: "OH NO! NO! OH...awwww. I'm dead."
Person on the street: "Can you give me directions to the mall?"
Thing Two: "There's two jackals you won't have to deal with if you go this way."
Poor girl on a date with gormless son: "What do you think of my best friend?"
Thing Two: "BANSHEE!"
Friend at a party: "Help me out, dude, where did our dates disappear to?"
Thing Two: "Dude, they're on your six. Dude, your six! DUDE!!!! YOUR SIX!!!!"
Well, that's pretty much the dialogue you would hear if you spent any time at our place. I'm hoping that someday he will grow out of this. If not, I will just have to get used to it. It's just a wee bit discouraging to have my first conversation of the day start out:
"Hey, I'll just kill you and you can spawn over there."