Sunday, March 28, 2010

Security Surveillance Bushes

A conversation with Eclair, while walking home from church:

E: Mom, why do flower bushes have to have thorns on them?

M: That's how they protect themselves, so animals don't eat them.

E: If they had cameras, they wouldn't need thorns.

more, later:

E: I'm so hungry I could eat a.....a......a adult person! Not with hair, though. That would be gross.

and more:

E: I want to dish up ice cream for Mommy because I love her. And 'cause Katie wouldn't do it. Because Katie hates her and will probably dance on her grave. Katie? Will you do that? Because I know Joey will, I asked him and I think he said yes.
( and then she sang "your wish is granted" as she handed me a bowl of ice cream. She loves me.)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Girl's Day Out

Last Saturday, we ran away from home. Me & my oldest girls, and we kidnapped Middle Daughter's bestie, Wren (she is Cute Betsy's daughter. We would have kidnapped Cute Betsy, also, but she had a previous commitment to drudgery).

So we ran away to the rock show. We like rocks. A lot. Too much. My house is full of rocks (not all of them have fallen out of my children's heads).

And everyone knows the best place to get PRETTY rocks is at the Rock Show. Hosted every year in March by the Timpanogos Gem & Mineral Society at the Spanish Fork Fairgrounds (how's that for a shameless plug). Here's the girls, saying "Why do you need to take a picture of us at the rock show, mom? You're insane."

Well, Wren doesn't mind, but Thing One and Middle Daughter do. They are party poopers.

We need to look at rocks so we can buy some to make jewelry out of! They spent enough of my money that they should be grinning from ear to ear. Grin, ladies, grin! Or I will take away your rocks!
Well, that's a little better, but Middle daughter looks drunk.

Did I mention Wren loves dinosaurs? A little too much it looks like.

That's Dr. Bones, there inside the dino puppet. He's there every year at the rock show, scaring the crap out of little kids. He's scarier when he's wearing this puppet:

Ooooh, Wren. You are brave. Very brave. The next photo needs some explanation:

You see, Thing One has a problem. She can't pose next to a dino unless she is nomming someone.
Middle daughter has the same problem. By the time we left the rock show she was so hungry she started eating her rocks:
She was much happier when she got to nom some good stuff. We went for pizza.
Wren is happy that we are finally going to feed her. But we're not done yet. We next dragged her to Dutch's place and looked at llamas & ducks. I didn't take any pictures of the llamas and ducks, or the emus and donkeys, but that link should give you an idea of what it was like.

We wandered around picturesque Springville until we remembered the antique mall! We could go blow a few hours there!!!!!!

So we did.

Keep kissing it, girls. You just might get somewhere.

Here's some of the day's loot:
Obviously, this is Eclair's loot. She insisted I show you her lovely display because that's what she's all about. She was quite thrilled by the seashell with the googly eyes glued on that she won at the spinning wheel. And the mini-rex necklace on the right there. EVERY girl should have one of those.

Here's what I found at the antique mall:

That's it, my crazy obsession. I collect Salt & Pepper shakers. Unique, old ones, and they can't be identical. I'll post some other finds one of these days, I have a few gems.

And here it is! The product of our hours of looooooking at rocks. Look what I made!

Ooohhh. Pretty rocks. Shiny rocks. (expensive rocks, sometimes) I'm insane enough that I'm thinking right now, "maybe I'll take that apart and hang that center pendant differently, perhaps...

That's all, folks.

Monday, March 22, 2010

But it's so pretty!!!

So, I have to mention this, because it happened and I think it was weird and funny.

Saturday I had an MRI because I'm old and decrepit.

As I am lying there on my back with the headphones on trying to ignore the fact that this machine is making noises like it is going to explode at any moment, I notice something directly above me: a small placard above two little tiny miniscule light fixtures:

"Laser Aperture: Do not look directly into beam"

I was particulary impressed with their ability to park my head so precisely as to put me directly under the aperture, so I can't help but "look directly into the beam."

Movie Reviews

My two oldest kids work at theaters. One at the real theater, one at the dollar movies. They eat a lot of gratis popcorn and drink too much gratis soda.

So, Karen & I wanted Thing Two to do a movie review, since he sees SO many movies, OVER and OVER again.

So here's Thing Two, reviewing Disney's "Princess and the Frog" which we purchased the day of it's release:

"Turn OFF that STUPID movie!"

"Oh, my gosh! IT SUCKS!"

"If I have to listen to that song again, I'm gonna puke!"

"I can't believe they are watching it AGAIN!!!!!"

"Crap, Mom, can't you make them watch something else?"

"Oh. My. Heck. I'm going to burn that DVD."

and this truly insightful comment:

"They just keep recycling the same voice talent for every character."

Obviously, this isn't an actual review by Thing Two, just a series of comments liked together. It's all I could get from the boy. He was busy. He had a harrowing weekend trying to catch up on all that important X-Box-ing.

Makes you want to run out and buy the DVD and watch it over and over and over and over, doesn't it? Oh, that's right. Everyone I know who has small kids is already doing that.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Movie Night at Our House

Tonight, My dear friend (We shall call her Jack Sparrow) came over with her copy of "Ponyo," the latest Mayazaki film. For those of you who do not know, it's an anime-style movie very loosely based on "The Little Mermaid."


As some background, Mother does not understand Mayazaki films. She has always fails to grasp that they do not make sense to American viewers due to cultural differences. Today, Jack opted to have us watch it in Japanese with English subtitles, due to annoying American voice actors. Mother, for Eclair's sake, offered to read the subtitles, which slowly turned into her interpretation of what was happening.

Hilarity ensued. I share now the best excerpts from the night..

(misreading [with much conviction] subtitles that say "I'll fix that next")
"I'll fix that newt!"

(Ponyo's sisters are chewing on her bubble to release her)
"We are going to eat you! You are going to die! WE ARE LEECHES! *sucking noise*"

(Misc quotes)
"The crab barrier is loose!"
"Chicken leg! Chicken Leg! Chicken legs for hands!"
"We are losing cabin pressure! OH NO! The crab barrier is loose! She's escaping!"
"Help! There's a carp in the living room!"
"Oh look, it's a natural disaster, let's use the gas stove, BOOM!"
"Oh no, there's crabs going in the house! The crab barrier has FAILED."
"Large Marge fish!"
"She's got diaper poisoning."

(this one is Dad's contribution)
"If you have any fruit, you must get rid of it before you cross the border."

She also likened Ponyo's army of sisters to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Mom is so fun to watch movies with. :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Thank heaven for unlimited text.

The cell phone bill came yesterday.

Middle daughter got a cell phone for her birthday on March first. The end of the bill cycle was March 8.

I had 66 text messages.

Daddy had 0.

Thing One had 2434.

Thing Two had 866.

Middle Daughter had 3929.

She only had the phone for seven days, she had 3929 text messages.

I'm wondering how it is possible to have that many text messages, eat, sleep, attend school, and all the other things she does all day?

She must be texting in her sleep.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Haute Coture - Apron Style

Yesterday was gruelling. Had a hard day at work, but the evening's festivities gave me a second wind. Look at these lovely ladies! We all got together for our monthly women's auxillary meeting at the church for birthday cake and bread making. That's my amazing apron display for the fashion show behind them. Thanks to Leslie & Naomi for loaning me cool aprons because I'm sadly lacking in the apron department. They are all so much fun, and look how cute they are! That's Betsy. She rocks anything she wears, and that is an awesome apron. Vintage 70's. Next is Veronica, Amy & Katinia. They all have a Master's Degree in Momming. There is nothing these women cannot do.

This is Alicia. She makes awesome bread. She walked us all through the fastest (and EASIEST AND MOST FOOLPROOF) bread recipe I have ever made. She's wearing a stolen apron.
Not really. Just an old one Albertson's let her keep when she quit working there. She would be mortified if she thought I told you it was stolen. So I didn't. Right? She says she loves the pockets.

That's Jennifer, my wonderful neighbor. She's a real professional: she brought her own stoneware bread pans, the rest of us were using the cheap disposable pans that were part of the invitation to tonite's event. We're all lame but Jen. She's wearing the "Alaska" apron, because she is from Nebraska. (Actually, she is from Alaska, but Alaska and Nebraska rhyme, and they are both remote, so, whatever.)

Christie & her mom, Deanna, making tortellini. Or bread. But if anyone could make tortellini out of bread, it would be Christie. She's got bread dough in the pan, and a bun in the oven. She has amazing, perfect children. I often send my children to her house, hoping some perfection will rub off. Alas, her kids rarely come to my house, allegedly because they are allergic to my cats. We all know it's really because my house is an insane asylum.

Let's take another look at Cute Betsy: This time she's just playing around with bread dough to the general amusement of everyone there. People kept taking pictures of her antics, because she is so cute.

And here's the whole crowd again. But wait......look at Camille there on the far right:


Wow! That's my apron! The one I made in the middle of the night, just for this occassion. Isn't it LOVELY! It was just made out of stuff I had....hanging around. Literally. The skirt used to be drapes.
I think the pom-poms really add to it's overall elegance. The Camouflage waistband and tie is to make your waist disappear. The blue fringe over the gold lame is reminiscent of a Rembrandt I once saw....I would have put bells on, but I couldn't find any.

Let's take one more look at our gullible lovely model, Camille.

A good time was had by all. And the bread was great. I would have posted a photo of it, but perhaps I should post a photo instead of the PEOPLE WHO ATE IT BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET IT OUT OF THE LOAF PANS!

You'd think I never fed them (which I don't).

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A conversation with....Eclair

Preface: There is a jar of unknown clear fluid on the counter. Tied to a colored pencil is a piece of yarn with a paperclip on the end, this is in the jar. No one knows where the jar came from. Middle Daughter said last night, "Is someone trying to grow sugar crystals?" I said, "I don't know, just leave it alone."

Today, Eclair is playing with the jar.

Mom: "Is that yours?"

Eclair: "Yep. I'm growing something."

M: "What?"

E: "Crystals"

M: "What kind of water are you using?"

E: "Cold."

(At this point I have to leave the room I am laughing so hard)

E: "It used to be hot, but now it's cold, I need to get some more hot."

M: "Honey, that's not going to grow anything, it's not the right kind of water."

E: "What kind of water do I need?"

M: "Special water. We don't have any."

E: "Can we go get some special water?"

No, but we sure have a special Eclair. :)

As a side note:

Bonnie made more fudge.

Bonnie is my bestest friend ever.

I have to go eat more fudge now.

See ya later.

I see stupid people....

I have a problem. Or so my husband tells me.

I talk to people who aren't there.

Well they are there, they just can't hear me. Or so my husband says.

I talk to them when they are double parked. When they are on a cell phone and cut me off in traffic. When they chat in separate cars parked paralell to one another with windows rolled down, blocking the entrance to the school parking lot. When they enter the school parking lot using the exit, or exit using the entrance. When they are bent over looking for something on the floor of the car when the light in front of them turned green a full minute ago, and has now turned yellow. When they double park, or park so close that I can't get back into my car unless I go in through the trunk (which I have done before, no kidding. Thank heaven I drive a mini-van). When they drive really slow with a blinker on and don't turn for two blocks. I try (often unsuccessufly) not to yell.

I think I'm an idiot magnet.

I have seen many insane things as I drive around our fair city, and have had occasion to call police dispatch: one occasion was when a bunch of stupid teenagers had something hanging between their car windows - they were in the far left and far right lanes, keeping anyone from passing either of them in the center lane. Who's bright idea was this stunt? Just because this insane idea pops into your head doesn't mean you need to act on it.

The most amazing thing I ever saw was one morning while driving hubby to BYU. A woman in her car. Rollers in her hair. Wearing what looked like a bathrobe. Brushing her teeth.

Brushing her teeth.

Another time, I was behind a guy on a residential street who was aparently moving to a new home. This was indicated by the boxes & stuff blocking all windows of the car but one: the one where his arm was extended, holding a ficus tree. No kidding. Guy driving down the road holding a ficus tree out the driver's side window. My guess? Maybe the tree wouldn't fit in the car. Honest truth, this one, I even took a picture. I'll post it if I can ever find it.

Most of the time it's not deliberate. Just thoughtless.

Here's what I think: when you're driving the car, drive the car. Don't put on makeup, text somebody, eat breakfast, play air guitar, or contemplate the mysteries of the universe.

Drive the car.

Give all your attention to the traffic around you, the road conditions, potential hazards ahead. Designate a co-pilot to answer the phone and wrangle the loud children in the back.

Then my husband can stop saying "You know they can't hear you, right?"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why My House is Such a Depressing Mess.

10. I am lazy.

9. I'd rather read a book, it's far more rewarding.

8. Because I am never there. I'm in the car driving someone somewhere and the rest of them are at home exclaiming "Mother is not here! Let us destroy the house for her as a surprise for when she returns!"

7. I have too much crap in my house (anyone who has been there can back me up on this one)

6. I've run out of room in the garage so I can't move the "too much crap" out there anymore (I am a pack rat, it is my parents' fault - I grew up a Navy brat and every time we moved they threw all my stuff away - I'm hoarding to make up for lost stuff).

5. My children are also lazy.

4. Because no matter how well I clean today, the mess will magically reappear tomorrow. I once shared this nugget of wisdom, I'll share it again: "The laundry can never possibly be done unless everyone who lives here is naked."

3. I'm online reading other peoples' interesting blogs too much.

2. I'd rather cook than clean, and I have the waistline to prove it.

1. Did I mention, I'm lazy?

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Conversation..... the car with Eclair:

E: Mom, you know those posters that say "wanted?" Those are bad guys, like who kidnap kids, right?

M: Yes, that's right.

E: Well I have an idea. You could catch them if you use a trap. You could have an invisible cage, with something they would come and get.

M: What would you use for bait, so you could catch them?

E: What is bait?

M: What you put in the trap so they will go in.

E: Oh, I'd use something heavy, or something light. Or Chocolate.

M: Well, you're going to catch me first, then. Since you're using chocolate.