Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Namin' Yer Baby

I've been giving a little thought to names lately. I've got friends & family expecting new babes, meeting new people, and creating accounts at work. New & interesting names have been thick on the ground.

So let's say you're looking to name something or someone. Got a few ideas about that.


10. Remember Pat? The gender ambiguous star of SNL? Steer away from those names. Pat, Chris, Tony(i), Jo(e), Sam, Dee, or Terr(i)y are pretty hard to determine over the phone if  she is a low alto or he is a high tenor. "Ma'am, could you spell that first name for me? Oh, I'm sorry SIR!"

9. Beware the big name. When your last name is Remingtonstonewell, don't burden the kid with a big ole first name like Paddington Fitzwalter. Go with Bill. Or Max. They're going to have a hard enough time, don't make it worse.

8. Don't make up a name. Like Shaniquabelle. Or Treshawton. Or Renesmee. Not only is this poor kid going to have to spell his name out for the rest of his life, anyone who hears this name will think YOU are some kind of freak.  Don't ruin a perfectly good name like Jasmine by "making it unique" spelling it in some freakish way like Jazmynn. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

7. Steer away from names like Bambi, Jazmynn, Electra, Bunnie or Trixie. Bambi ain't going to law school. Jazmynn won't be aspiring to be a doctor.  When Bunnie, Trixie & Electra graduate from high school, they will be voted "most likely to become a pole dancer."

6.  Similarly, Elmer will grow up to be a janitor. Buddy will be feeding rabbits in a pet store. Spike is all set for a lifetime career at the Seven Eleven. And Cody is doomed to a life of rodeo. Please, plan ahead for your poor child. If you want your kid to have a shot at becoming a lawyer or a doctor, you need at least two middle names here. Good ones. Like Emerson Randall or Miranda Grace.

5. You better really like your kid's name. You're going to be using it for a long time. Try yelling it out your back door 23 times before you truly decide. 'Cause that's what you're going to be doing for the next 18 years. Srsly.

4. Remember that your child will only be a child for a relatively small part of their entire life. Little girls in pigtails who go by Tiffany Crystal may feel like they have outgrown such a moniker when they are staring at the wrong side of 40. I kind of feel like just having a name like that can cause brain damage....

3. Don't name yer kid after food. Apple. Moon Pie. It's a freaking birth certificate, not a menu.

2. Strike the balance between "dime a dozen" and "what the heck were you thinking?"  Use a popular name, and you risk having your son be one of seven "Jaxon's" on the soccer team. But think of poor Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. Yeah, her parents are nut jobs  and she doesn't have a chance.

1. The classics are always best. When in doubt, look to your scriptures and find a great name. One that is appealing, and easy for all to pronounce.... A name that will inspire and give the child something to live up to.... A name still relevant in today's world.

Like Agrippa or Bathsheba.

Yeah, baby. That's the ticket.


Ellie said...

Your posts always make me giggle. Your rules are spot-on! Thanks for sharing.

Steverino said...

Ernn and I are both chagrined -- Sttevve

Julie said...

Well, Sttevve, be offended all you like. Wren will never have her name on this list: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070802145222AAUFAol

courtneyb said...

have you read the book "freakonomics"? He writes a section about naming your kids with facts about names. You pretty much hit the nail on the head.

Andrea said...

So, your blog posts crack me up that I'm going back in time and getting caught up on all those posts I missed out on when I didn't know you....and this post cracked me up..mostly because I recently had a friend name her child....da da dum! Knatehleigh Greyce...no joke